The election season might just now be getting into full swing, but another presidential race has captivated much of the nation recently. For the last seven years, one of our former presidents has tasted defeat in over 500 races—until yesterday. That’s right—Teddy Roosevelt finally won the Presidents Race during the fourth inning of the Washington Nationals’ last game of the season on Wednesday afternoon.
Teddy’s losing streak was perpetuated by terrible luck and outright cheating by the other presidential participants—Lincoln, Washington and Jefferson. On many occasions, Teddy seemed to have victory secured but was tripped up by panthers, monkeys and other unsanctioned participants surely hired by the other ex-presidents (I’m looking at you, Washington). Elmo even cost him the race once. There was seemingly nothing Teddy could do to win.
Enter marketing executive Scott Ableman. Ableman created Let Teddy Win, a website dedicated to exposing and ending this injustice by convincing the Nationals to let the Hero of San Juan Hill finally taste victory. Baseball fans all over the country became involved in the cause, including Senator John McCain. McCain appeared in an ESPN video spoofing the losing streak, demanding that the Nationals show the Rough Rider the respect he deserved. The senator showed up again on Tuesday to give TR a pep talk going into Wednesday’s game.
Sporting golden sneakers resembling those worn by Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt, Teddy started off slowly in the final race of 2012. However, the other three presidents soon got a taste of their own medicine when an imposter posing as the Philadelphia Phillies’ mascot, the Phillie Phanatic, appeared from behind an outfield wall and sent them all crashing to the ground. Teddy kicked it into high gear and sped to the front of the line, finishing first.
The streak was over. Roosevelt wins! Roosevelt wins! While the Nationals had clinched a division title the day before, this was clearly the biggest win of the season. There are rumors afoot that the Nationals plan on retiring Teddy from future races, but we hope he gets to take the victory lap every commander-in-chief deserves. Congratulations, Teddy!