Regency-Era Courtship: 8 Surprising Rules and Rituals

Modern dating is no picnic, but it’s nothing compared to the rigid, high-stakes world of Regency-era courtship. If you’ve read a Jane Austen novel or watched "Bridgerton," you’re probably aware that finding a suitable spouse in early 19th-century Britain wasn’t simply a matter of meeting someone you liked; it was a carefully choreographed process with plenty of rules. 

Here are eight customs of Regency romance that might surprise you.

For the elite members of British society, socializing revolved around “seasons,” says Sarah Richardson, a research historian at the University of Warwick. For example, the London season usually coincided with Parliament’s sessions. Elsewhere, it could follow the seasonal rhythms of aristocratic life, such as when families returned to their country estates and stately homes.

“In each setting there were organized parties, balls, salons and an established routine of visiting,” Richardson says. This way, eligible young men and women could meet one another through mutual friends, with the added benefit of knowing that they were meeting the “right” kind of people, explains Sally Holloway, a social and cultural historian of Britain. The Regency era also provided new public venues where unmarried elites could meet, Holloway explains, like pleasure gardens, assembly rooms, theaters, ballrooms and opera houses.

For those lower down the social ladder, most courtships occurred in hyper-local settings, struck up at occasions like festivals and celebrations or in a work setting, Richardson says.

Because marriage could involve the transfer of property or family income, both men and women from the elite class were generally required to secure the approval of family members and friends before they could court a prospective partner, Richardson explains.

“Without this, there was the risk that their parents—particularly fathers—could intervene to end it at the last minute, leaving them exposed to ‘town talk’ and newspaper gossip,” says Holloway. 

Although such approval wasn’t necessary for those in other social classes, Richardson adds that it was usually advisable, as couples often lived near friends and family.

Private time wasn’t an option for those courting during the Regency era. Women were not permitted to go on dates without a female chaperone, like a friend or relative, Holloway says. On top of that, a couple’s outings exclusively took place in public. Dates often involved going for a stroll around a town or garden, or walking to and from church, she explains. They could also meet at the houses of mutual acquaintances for tea. 

The exception to this rule is when the couple shared meals at the woman’s family home, “after which they could walk in the garden and sit up late talking with the hope of stealing kisses in the evening,” Holloway says.

According to Richardson, there were fewer constraints on the less wealthy—although there was still the risk of pregnancy.

In public, elite courting couples first referred to each other using their title, like Miss, Mr., Lord and Lady, Richardson says.

“The use of a man or woman’s Christian name was a special mark of intimacy, which denoted a new degree of closeness,” Holloway explains. “Couples often wrote in their letters explicitly asking to use a new epithet, progressing by degree from ‘Miss X’ to her Christian name and eventually to ‘my dearest love.’”

As in-person dates weren’t always possible, courting couples typically communicated through letters. “It was up to men to initiate a romantic correspondence with women, which would enable them to get to know one another better and assess their compatibility before marriage,” Holloway says.

By writing to each other, they could share their likes and dislikes, core values and what they hoped for in a successful union. “It wasn’t all flattery and romantic fantasies—although there was plenty of that too from men—with writers also discussing how they wanted to raise their children and their precepts of religion and morality,” Holloway explains.

Letter-writing was mostly an option for the elite. It was too expensive for ordinary people, says Richardson.

Once a couple was engaged, they were allowed to give each other gifts.  “Romantic gifts had a key role to play in deepening a couple’s intimacy and advancing a relationship toward the altar,” Holloway says. “In the early stages of courtship, [a man] might present [a woman] with edible tokens such as sweetmeats, before progressing to more serious symbolic items such as gloves, garters and a ring.” 

Some gifts helped them get to know each other, like exchanging books with underlined passages. Others were more explicitly romantic, like men sending women bouquets of flowers, snuffboxes, expensive furs and gem-encrusted jewelry. If a man was hoping to be invited to a meal at a woman’s family home, he might send her gifts like duck and pork, Holloway explains. 

Women also sent tokens of affection to men, including hand-worked textiles—like purses and waistcoats—to showcase their domestic skill, symbolically important flowers—like pressed violets, which underscored their modesty, truthfulness and faithful love—and locks of their hair, she notes.

The average courtship lasted between one and four years, Holloway says. Once a couple was officially engaged, they typically got married about a year later, she explains. Courtships were not always exclusive, with both men and women potentially entertaining the attentions of more than one person, Richardson says.

If a couple was serious about marriage, the length of their courtship mattered. “The risk of a long courtship was that either party’s affections might cool, and a man could find himself passed over for another suitor,” Holloway explains. “But even more risky was a hasty union in which a couple was trapped for the rest of their lives with someone they despised.”

Not all courtships reached the altar. “A match might fail due to disparities in age, class, religion or from one individual simply changing their mind or receiving a better offer,” Holloway says. Courtships also ended because of family pressures from either side, Richardson notes.

While men typically initiated the courtship, either person could end it. If that happened, “they would have been expected to return any letters and romantic gifts they had received, Holloway explains, "or destroy them by throwing them into the flames in order to signify that a match was officially over."